Everyone likes sandwiches, or at least most of us do. The word probably prompts a picture of one you like better than others. For me, it is the classic peanut butter and jelly. Living in a house with three kids six years old and younger will do that to you!
However, we are not going to be talking about that kind of sandwich today. Instead, we will talk about the sandwich generation and what that means to you. What do I mean by the “sandwich generation?” I’m referring to generations of people who find themselves both raising children as well as caring for elderly parents.
With many waiting until later in life to have children and then paired with the large number of baby boomers preparing for retirement, what was already a growing group will grow even more in the coming years. That creates unique challenges for those who find themselves in that generation. Sometimes those are challenges that they were not prepared for. How should you prepare for it? That’s what we’re here to discuss, so let’s jump right into it!
Get a Will
We say it a lot here, but there is good reason for it. Death is an unavoidable part of life, and having your will in place is an important way to prepare for it. We go into why that is important here, but the general points are that by having an up to date will, you take guesswork and conflict out of discussion. If you are a part of the sandwich generation, your will is likely complicated by the fact that people on both sides depend on you. That makes having your will ready even more important.
One of the things that is often overlooked when drawing up a will is a really simple one. Talking about your will with your family. Transparency and communication are critical parts of the process. It would break your heart to know that your family members fought over your possessions after your death because you did not take the time to have an open conversation with them ahead of time. That option is available to you, and it is far better to use it than to risk that outcome.
Money Talk
I’m not sure what your family’s communication is with regard to money, but mine was relatively minimal. It was sort of a need-to-know topic, and I did not need. It wouldn’t be surprising if your experience is similar, but when you are in a position of taking care of your parents, you fall into the “need-to-know” group and that discussion should be held. Having a clear understanding of the finances involved can help you streamline financial planning and know what steps to take to make sure that you are acting in the most responsible manner. The job you’ll face as your parents age will be tough enough without having to work from an incomplete picture.
Practice Good Communication Habits
Being able to effectively communicate is critical in all aspects of life. That importance is ratcheted up even higher when you have to provide health or care updates on your parents to other family members. When you are close to a situation, you can sometimes forget that your perspective is not available to everyone who cares about your parents. It can be easy to assume everyone knows what you know.
Because of this, you’ll sometimes be barraged with requests for information that seems like something everyone ought to be in the loop on. You may often find yourself repeating those updates and given the demanding schedule of someone taking care of kids at home and parents, you likely would benefit from streamlining that communication. Don’t get exasperated, just put together a communication plan that allows you to maximize your time.
Try sending out a regular email with updates and adding any family members who should be included to it. If multiple people will provide updates, create a Google Doc and give access to any relevant parties. This allows anyone to make additions and edits, which gives everyone a working document to provide updates and view new information in real time. However you communicate, do it in such a way that your loved ones are kept informed and your time spent doing that informing is used most efficiently.
Rest
It is very easy to become overrun when juggling the busy lifestyle of a sandwich generationer. You can become worn down with all the stress and emotional toll taken from the number of responsibilities and daily tasks that fall to you. That means taking some time for yourself. You need rest. You need to do things you enjoy.
If you are always running, always tired, and never taking any time for yourself, you’re likely to become bitter and resentful. What’s more, run yourself too hard and you aren’t doing yourself any health favors either. Remember, a lot of people are counting on you, so you cannot neglect yourself in all this!
Living that way isn’t good for you or anyone in your family. Avoiding doing that means prioritizing what is important and cutting out those things that just aren’t. It means reaching out for help when you need it, and sharing the load within your family. It also means occasionally being a little selfish and taking some “me time” when you need it. You’ll be better for it, and so will those around you.
Lean On Others
You can’t do everything yourself. Even if you are the most talented and wonderful person around, you’ll struggle to be all things for all people. The best solution? Lean on friends and family. Ask for help when you need it and accept it when it is offered. I have often found it hard to accept the help of others, because I don’t want to put them out. The most ridiculous part of that is that I have offered my help and had it refused many times before, and have never once offered it when I didn’t honestly desire to be helpful to someone.
Maybe you have done this too. Perhaps you’ve avoided accepting help because it just doesn’t seem right to impose. Rethink that stance. You’ll need help from others, and at some point perhaps you can repay their kindness with your own. There are going to be many in your sphere of life who are winding their way through similar situations as yours, and leaning on them for emotional as well as practical support is a great way to lighten your load. Don’t shy away from it!
At the end of the day, we want to do the best job we can of serving both our children and our aging parents. There is no clear road map or plan that can tell us how it will go or lay out all the pitfalls we will encounter, but these tips can help us navigate some of the way.